...

I don't dislike you. I wish I did. But what would be the point? You are like a storm. You don't like or dislike something of nature, you just try to survive it and hope for the best.

My Single Star

I'm cold. Its a crisp fall night tonight. There is a quiet movement of the air, just strong enough to ruffle my hair, give me goose-bumps. But the breeze is not strong enough to move the leaves.
I love the rich colors of fall. The orange of all the pumpkins at the market, burnt umber of the bald trees, burgundy of the crunchy leaves on the ground. The vivid colors are all intensified by the deep charcoal sky.
Its a cloudless night, the reason why its so bitterly cold. I am willing to forgo the brisk air in order to temporarily clear my head-- to feel the absolute silence deep down into my soul, silence so overwhelming that I sometimes find it hard to breathe. It envelops you, wraps around you and just for a second makes everything perfect. In this second, I do not feel cold.
I look up to see the stars. I've always been a star-gazer. Much to my surprise, I only see one. One single shining star. I immediately think of you, darling. I don't know why. I contemplate why, on a perfectly clear night with minimal light pollution, there would be only one star shining. Normally, there are hundreds filling the sky from corner to corner. Perhaps its me, not focusing on anything but this star.
I'm thinking of you. I want you. I have a strong desire to hug you, hold you. You are my shining star. There is something special about you, and I don't understand it. But I love you.

It feels so weird, to be on the other side, where you are the one expected to offer condolences, not receive them. I want my "sorry" to sound genuine, because it is. That is the hard thing about grief, and the grieving. They speak another language, and the words we know always fall short of what we want them to say.

On rainy nights like this....

You are so far away. I can see you but you seem blurry, like your busy talking outside in driveway. I just hope all is ok with you.Today its raining hard and I just love the sound of rain - gloomy and grey - just like how I feel. I am trying to snap out of it. But I wish you could stand with me in the mist of days that are to come and just enjoy.

You did not think I knew what I was doing.

I am puzzled why you think you understood me and how I felt so well after such a short time. It is so hard for me to open up and express my feelings. Five months as friends is nothing in terms of a lifetime. You felt the need to figure me out and then school me on what was wrong with me and what help I needed. I find that the kettle calling the pot black. It definitely caused a riff between us. Are you happy now? I meant to be and always mean to be a positive influence in anyone's life. Cheers.

Lost

As I stand before the mirror I don't recognize the stranger staring back at me.
I miss the person I used to be.
I miss myself, the person I thought I was before I realized the truth. I tricked myself all my life into believing I was 'different', 'unique' 'loved' and 'capable of loving without reservation'. I was trusting, caring, selfless, and much more. For better or worse lots has changed me to become distant, unable to trust, miserable. I miss that once happy and joyful girl I was. I bounced with joy. Now its hard for me to even laugh or smile. I miss the times when I laughed so hard I cried. Now all I see are tears and no laughter seems to be found. What causes us to lose our joy? Sometimes I see people how they are happy and I envy them knowing I don't have that anymore and they do. Its really not fair. I miss that person. I miss her so much. How could I have let her get away?
Its like mourning the death of a loved one.
I often am in quest to find that person again.
I hope I can find my way.

Each day that passes...

With each day that passes and you still don't reach out to me. Do you really think it'll make you just fade away? Is your plan to create distance so that I can forget about you? Or is it so so that you can forget about me? Just add me to the notch on your belt? Chew me up and spit me out? Play with my emotions like they are a bouncy ball? Just a simple, "hope all is well" would be nice. I know I don't really mean anything to you but I can't get over the humanity factor here