Who What Where When Why How....

Who knows where a rainbow starts?

What does a wave feel when its about to break?

Where do a rain drops turn to snow?

When does a hurricane know when its gonna spin?

Why does lightning need the ground?

How does an avalanche feel before it falls?

Here Comes Goodbye

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And it's not like him to drive that slow, nothing's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
He usually comes right in, now I can tell

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And he was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye

Alone

Always have I set out to be alone. Then I met you.

What is the definition of perfection? Is it you? Does my affection have to be unrequited?

The characteristics that society may deem to be imperfection are to me the very things, I dare say, love about you the most.

Maybe I'm meant to live this life a loner;

But at least for a moment I truly felt love.

Putting these thoughts out into the Universe...

My head is in the Stars.
And, while I am not entirely here, I know I am not there.
I ache inside, from being in two impossible places, at once.
I dream while awake and at night, I find myself longing for that place I once was.
A little bit more alone in this world I wake to find myself.

I won't spend another night alone....

Unfortunately, it's is a lie. Tonight will be another night alone. Alone is the only way I've ever known. If you're reading this, then I'm sure you've had your share of loneliness too. I swore when I moved to this city that I would not be alone anymore. But maybe it's just the way I was meant to be. I suppose it doesn't help that I have low tolerance for people these days.

I think I can last about another year here. Then it's off to adventure somewhere else. Maybe even a different country. I have experienced a fair amount in my life so far, but all those experiences mean a lot less when there is no one to share them with. I miss having that special connection with someone.

This is to hoping maybe we'll find what we're looking for. Someday.

PS:Why is 'no one' two words and 'someone' is one word?

Sigh..

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Masks...

We all wear masks. Everyone. Everyday. Sometimes we wear them so much we forget who we really are. And, sometimes if we are lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really wanna be, who we should be.

Masks...

We all wear masks. Everyone. Everyday. Sometimes we wear them so much we forget who we really are. And, sometimes if we are lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really wanna be, who we should be.

The bend in the road.

I was hoping I was wrong

This sucks!

Oh Well... live and learn. I guess some dreams are just nightmares in disguise, never ever having a chance to come true. Eventually we wake up to find ourselves all alone. The dream is gone and the memories of what was now only haunt us.

Confessions

Love does discriminate. It pleases those that share it and punishes those who look. It teases those that gaze upon it. It hides in shadows and breeze, shaping images of other's romance. We all desire, we all covet, we all wonder what it is that other's have that might provide a few more precious moments of loving bliss.

When you find your love, whether that is love forever or love for the moment, you will cease staring outward wondering what other's have. And, will focus inward on joy and the fear of losing what you have found. Without passion there is no pleasure, and without loss, pleasure has no standard to uphold.

Breath

Even before the slightest heaving can be heard, before the lungs open and slowly fill with air, before all of this, wanting.

This suffering: that I can't be absolutely still, quiet, or happy--all the same things.

That every "wanting," every movement, every word, speaks to my insecurity.

That every word means to speak to you.

I feel so cruel!

I want so badly to comfort you and help you feel better but I also feel as though my hands are tied. I do care about what happens to you and I really want you to succeed in life. Please lift your head up and be strong like I know you are capable of being. It is not too late for you to have a wonderful future. I know that life is hard without me but I also know that "this too shall pass". Remember I use to put that quote everywhere. I often miss you, often think about you, and you are constantly in my head.

Moments...

There are moments when clarity of purpose shines true, when the routine details of daily existence give way to the recognition of what is important. You wake, you work, you talk, you interact, you wait; wait for something real, wait for moments in which your desires will be met, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe only when you when you close your eyes and wonder what it is you are missing. Passion, excitement, adventure, arousal, interest creation, anticipation; are these possibilities or simply descriptors on the back of a paperback you buy to avoid thinking about what it is you are missing. Is this settling? Is this all there is? Is this the life you want?

Compulsion..

Some people have the compulsion to steal. Or lie. I have the compulsion to be a wiseass to my mother. This has never ended well for me, in all my twenty-three years, and yet I can't seem to stop. :P

...

I don't dislike you. I wish I did. But what would be the point? You are like a storm. You don't like or dislike something of nature, you just try to survive it and hope for the best.

My Single Star

I'm cold. Its a crisp fall night tonight. There is a quiet movement of the air, just strong enough to ruffle my hair, give me goose-bumps. But the breeze is not strong enough to move the leaves.
I love the rich colors of fall. The orange of all the pumpkins at the market, burnt umber of the bald trees, burgundy of the crunchy leaves on the ground. The vivid colors are all intensified by the deep charcoal sky.
Its a cloudless night, the reason why its so bitterly cold. I am willing to forgo the brisk air in order to temporarily clear my head-- to feel the absolute silence deep down into my soul, silence so overwhelming that I sometimes find it hard to breathe. It envelops you, wraps around you and just for a second makes everything perfect. In this second, I do not feel cold.
I look up to see the stars. I've always been a star-gazer. Much to my surprise, I only see one. One single shining star. I immediately think of you, darling. I don't know why. I contemplate why, on a perfectly clear night with minimal light pollution, there would be only one star shining. Normally, there are hundreds filling the sky from corner to corner. Perhaps its me, not focusing on anything but this star.
I'm thinking of you. I want you. I have a strong desire to hug you, hold you. You are my shining star. There is something special about you, and I don't understand it. But I love you.

It feels so weird, to be on the other side, where you are the one expected to offer condolences, not receive them. I want my "sorry" to sound genuine, because it is. That is the hard thing about grief, and the grieving. They speak another language, and the words we know always fall short of what we want them to say.

On rainy nights like this....

You are so far away. I can see you but you seem blurry, like your busy talking outside in driveway. I just hope all is ok with you.Today its raining hard and I just love the sound of rain - gloomy and grey - just like how I feel. I am trying to snap out of it. But I wish you could stand with me in the mist of days that are to come and just enjoy.

You did not think I knew what I was doing.

I am puzzled why you think you understood me and how I felt so well after such a short time. It is so hard for me to open up and express my feelings. Five months as friends is nothing in terms of a lifetime. You felt the need to figure me out and then school me on what was wrong with me and what help I needed. I find that the kettle calling the pot black. It definitely caused a riff between us. Are you happy now? I meant to be and always mean to be a positive influence in anyone's life. Cheers.

Lost

As I stand before the mirror I don't recognize the stranger staring back at me.
I miss the person I used to be.
I miss myself, the person I thought I was before I realized the truth. I tricked myself all my life into believing I was 'different', 'unique' 'loved' and 'capable of loving without reservation'. I was trusting, caring, selfless, and much more. For better or worse lots has changed me to become distant, unable to trust, miserable. I miss that once happy and joyful girl I was. I bounced with joy. Now its hard for me to even laugh or smile. I miss the times when I laughed so hard I cried. Now all I see are tears and no laughter seems to be found. What causes us to lose our joy? Sometimes I see people how they are happy and I envy them knowing I don't have that anymore and they do. Its really not fair. I miss that person. I miss her so much. How could I have let her get away?
Its like mourning the death of a loved one.
I often am in quest to find that person again.
I hope I can find my way.

Each day that passes...

With each day that passes and you still don't reach out to me. Do you really think it'll make you just fade away? Is your plan to create distance so that I can forget about you? Or is it so so that you can forget about me? Just add me to the notch on your belt? Chew me up and spit me out? Play with my emotions like they are a bouncy ball? Just a simple, "hope all is well" would be nice. I know I don't really mean anything to you but I can't get over the humanity factor here